We long for the eerie dusk
when the traffic has bumped back down the track,
when we can quietly stroll through the meadows alone,
wait for the last robin's call,
stand still in the silence and watch
as woodcock rise out of the woods,
haunting the edge of the sky.
3 comments:
I know what you mean about picturesque places Carol - it is lovely when one has them to oneself. Happy Easter to you.
I'm probably the wrong person to be making a critique of a poem, but I'm having problems with the second line. The poem reads beautifully without it. With it, the poem jars, but perhaps it's meant to?
DM
All comments welcome DM - the poem is still in the making.
I take your point on board - it reads fine without it. I suppose my head hasn't moved from the poem-a-day cue "the trouble with..." to which I added living here. I wanted the line to represent the sound of a car bumping down a potholed track hence the sharp sounds. And to contrast that I've tried to use soft sounds elsewhere except for "woodcock" but it does make a grating sound. Below is the latest version (but who knows whether the final version will retain the 2nd line).
We long for the eerie dusk
when the traffic has bumped back down the track,
when we walk through the meadows alone,
wait for the last robin’s call,
pause in the silence and watch
woodcock rise from the wood,
haunting the edge of the sky.
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